A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it. Ambrose Bierce
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Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught. Ambrose Bierce
Alliance – in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third. Ambrose Bierce
Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. Ambrose Bierce
Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money. Ambrose Bierce
Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge. Ambrose Bierce
Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. Ambrose Bierce
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. Ambrose Bierce
Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth – two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age. Ambrose Bierce
Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron – namely, that he is a blockhead. Ambrose Bierce
Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. Ambrose Bierce
Consul – in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country. Ambrose Bierce
Convent – a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness. Ambrose Bierce
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility. Ambrose Bierce
Dawn: When men of reason go to bed. Ambrose Bierce
Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. Ambrose Bierce
Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate. Ambrose Bierce
Destiny: A tyrant’s authority for crime and a fool’s excuse for failure. Ambrose Bierce
Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth. Ambrose Bierce
Edible – good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm. Ambrose Bierce
Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm. Ambrose Bierce
Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. Ambrose Bierce
Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white. Ambrose Bierce
Enthusiasm – a distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience. Ambrose Bierce
Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead. Ambrose Bierce
Experience – the wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. Ambrose Bierce
Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age. Ambrose Bierce
Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. Ambrose Bierce
Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable. Ambrose Bierce
Forgetfulness – a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. Ambrose Bierce
Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense. Ambrose Bierce
Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured. Ambrose Bierce
Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. Ambrose Bierce
History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools. Ambrose Bierce
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. Ambrose Bierce
Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization. Ambrose Bierce
Irreligion – the principal one of the great faiths of the world. Ambrose Bierce
It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better. Ambrose Bierce
Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping. Ambrose Bierce
Land: A part of the earth’s surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure. Ambrose Bierce
