
A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it. Ambrose Bierce
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Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught. Ambrose Bierce

Alliance – in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third. Ambrose Bierce

Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. Ambrose Bierce

Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money. Ambrose Bierce

Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge. Ambrose Bierce

Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. Ambrose Bierce

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. Ambrose Bierce

Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth – two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age. Ambrose Bierce

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron – namely, that he is a blockhead. Ambrose Bierce

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. Ambrose Bierce

Consul – in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country. Ambrose Bierce

Convent – a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness. Ambrose Bierce

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility. Ambrose Bierce

Dawn: When men of reason go to bed. Ambrose Bierce

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. Ambrose Bierce

Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate. Ambrose Bierce

Destiny: A tyrant’s authority for crime and a fool’s excuse for failure. Ambrose Bierce

Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth. Ambrose Bierce

Edible – good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm. Ambrose Bierce

Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm. Ambrose Bierce

Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. Ambrose Bierce

Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white. Ambrose Bierce

Enthusiasm – a distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience. Ambrose Bierce

Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead. Ambrose Bierce

Experience – the wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. Ambrose Bierce

Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age. Ambrose Bierce

Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. Ambrose Bierce

Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable. Ambrose Bierce

Forgetfulness – a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. Ambrose Bierce

Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense. Ambrose Bierce

Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured. Ambrose Bierce

Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. Ambrose Bierce

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools. Ambrose Bierce

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. Ambrose Bierce

Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization. Ambrose Bierce

Irreligion – the principal one of the great faiths of the world. Ambrose Bierce

It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better. Ambrose Bierce

Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping. Ambrose Bierce

Land: A part of the earth’s surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure. Ambrose Bierce