
Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. Ambrose Bierce
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Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. Ambrose Bierce

Liberty: One of Imagination’s most precious possessions. Ambrose Bierce

Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones. Ambrose Bierce

Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. Ambrose Bierce

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce

Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. Ambrose Bierce

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two. Ambrose Bierce

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion. Ambrose Bierce

Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while. Ambrose Bierce

Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to their readiness to doubt. Ambrose Bierce

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man – who has no gills. Ambrose Bierce

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic. Ambrose Bierce

Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue. Ambrose Bierce

Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. Ambrose Bierce

Perseverance – a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success. Ambrose Bierce

Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. Ambrose Bierce

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. Ambrose Bierce

Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one’s voice. Ambrose Bierce

Prescription: A physician’s guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient. Ambrose Bierce

Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope. Ambrose Bierce

Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. Ambrose Bierce

Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. Ambrose Bierce

Sabbath – a weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. Ambrose Bierce

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. Ambrose Bierce

Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows. Ambrose Bierce

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. Ambrose Bierce

Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. Ambrose Bierce

The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up. Ambrose Bierce

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling. Ambrose Bierce

The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations. Ambrose Bierce

The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge. Ambrose Bierce

To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense. Ambrose Bierce

To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one’s voice. Ambrose Bierce

Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman’s power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. Ambrose Bierce

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography. Ambrose Bierce

We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect. Ambrose Bierce

What this country needs what every country needs occasionally is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism on which its existence as a nation depends. Ambrose Bierce

Who never doubted, never half believed. Where doubt is, there truth is – it is her shadow. Ambrose Bierce

Wit – the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out. Ambrose Bierce

Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of. Ambrose Bierce