Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. Ambrose Bierce
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Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. Ambrose Bierce
Liberty: One of Imagination’s most precious possessions. Ambrose Bierce
Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones. Ambrose Bierce
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. Ambrose Bierce
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce
Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. Ambrose Bierce
Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two. Ambrose Bierce
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion. Ambrose Bierce
Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while. Ambrose Bierce
Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to their readiness to doubt. Ambrose Bierce
Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man – who has no gills. Ambrose Bierce
Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic. Ambrose Bierce
Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue. Ambrose Bierce
Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. Ambrose Bierce
Perseverance – a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success. Ambrose Bierce
Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. Ambrose Bierce
Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. Ambrose Bierce
Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one’s voice. Ambrose Bierce
Prescription: A physician’s guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient. Ambrose Bierce
Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope. Ambrose Bierce
Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. Ambrose Bierce
Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. Ambrose Bierce
Sabbath – a weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. Ambrose Bierce
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. Ambrose Bierce
Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows. Ambrose Bierce
Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. Ambrose Bierce
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. Ambrose Bierce
The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up. Ambrose Bierce
The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling. Ambrose Bierce
The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations. Ambrose Bierce
The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge. Ambrose Bierce
To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense. Ambrose Bierce
To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one’s voice. Ambrose Bierce
Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman’s power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. Ambrose Bierce
War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography. Ambrose Bierce
We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect. Ambrose Bierce
What this country needs what every country needs occasionally is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism on which its existence as a nation depends. Ambrose Bierce
Who never doubted, never half believed. Where doubt is, there truth is – it is her shadow. Ambrose Bierce
Wit – the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out. Ambrose Bierce
Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of. Ambrose Bierce
